Jessica Martinez

Sucia

The rumor started a week ago, but everyone at Jackson Intermediate couldn’t stop talking about it. Gabby heard it from her best friend, Yvette, who heard it from Bianca, who heard it from Freddy, who heard it from Mikey. Mikey never said who he heard it from, but according to him, Amanda Matthews was sitting in History class wearing a trashy, too short black skirt when Mr. Perez wrote her up for a dress code violation. When Amanda got up from her seat, there were fat white worms crawling where she sat. Since then, the whole school called her Maggots. 

Of course, Amanda denied it. She tried convincing everyone that the maggots were there when she sat down. But who would knowingly sit in a chair full of bugs? Some people said that maybe the maggots fell out of her greasy blonde hair, or maybe they crawled out of her flat ass. Most people believed the maggots dropped out of her vagina.

As Gabby waited in line to pay for her lunch, she noticed Amanda walking around the cafeteria, tray in hand, looking for a place to sit. When it was clear that no one was willing to let her sit at their table, Amanda kept her head down and sat alone. Gabby thought of all the ways a girl could get maggots inside of her, but all she could come up with was falling in mud, skipping too many showers, or eating uncooked hamburger meat that somehow made its way down there. 

She thought of inviting Amanda to sit with her and Yvette at their usual outdoor table, but Gabby could imagine Yvette telling her that allowing Amanda to sit with them would be social suicide. She heard someone yell behind her, “Muévete gorda, you’re holding up the line,” followed by laughs. She quickly paid for her lunch and left Amanda to fend for herself. 

Gabby hated eating outside. The Gulf Texas humidity made her arm hair stick to her school shirts. She only agreed because Yvette liked to watch the boys in third period P.E. Gabby knew that Yvette liked to watch Mikey Agular, though she wasn’t sure why her best friend was so obsessed with him.

“Oh my god,” Yvette said the second she sat down with her tray, “Maggots is like literally crying her eyes out in the cafeteria.” 

Gabby couldn’t help but notice how Yvette’s red collared shirt clung to her chest, and all four buttons were undone. If Gabby wore her shirts that way, she would end up flashing the entire eighth grade. She didn’t want to think about what her mother would do if she caught Gabby dressed like that. It wasn’t fair. Yvette could wear her shirts unbuttoned or wear a crop top and no one would call her gorda or pansona.

“How does a girl even let that happen?” Gabby asked before taking a bite of her pizza. She had heard horror stories of girls losing tampons inside of them, but never bugs. She wasn’t entirely sure how tampons worked, mainly because her mother banned them from the house. When Gabby had questioned why, her mother replied, “You can use them after you’re married. You shouldn’t be sticking anything up there anyway.” Gabby didn’t understand, but she was too afraid to question her mother, and too embarrassed to ask Yvette how to use one.

“I heard her boyfriend put whipped cream in her pussy and she didn’t bother to clean herself when he was done,” Yvette said.

“Done doing what?” Gabby asked, then immediately regretted asking.

Yvette laughed. “Well, when two people love each other,” she began, “sometimes they put their mouths on each other.”

Gabby rolled her eyes. “Whatever,” she said. She wished her mother would’ve let her watch Changing Bodies, Changing Lives back in fifth grade, when the school nurse separated the girls and boys and showed them the video, but her mother refused to send Gabby to school that day. “Only putas talk about those things,” her mother said. Instead, Gabby got her own sex talk two months ago, the day she came home with blood-stained underwear. By then it felt like Yvette and everyone else at school had learned something she hadn’t, and she didn’t want anyone to know how clueless she was. She wondered if her mother had left out some important parts.

“Oh my god, look at Mikey,” Yvette said. She pointed towards the boys as they walked out of the gym. “He’s so hot.”

Gabby didn’t see what was so great about him, especially since he should’ve been in 9th grade. No one knew why he was held back. Some said it was because he tried to rob the local Tweety-Mart and went to juvey for a year. Others said he was caught trying to burn down the school. None of the rumors stopped Yvette from having the biggest crush on him, and Gabby, being the good best friend she was, had to support her.

“I heard he hooked up with Becca Sanchez at Skateworld last weekend,” Yvette said before picking at her hamburger bun.

“Do you think it’s true?” Gabby was positive that she was the only girl in school who hadn’t kissed a boy and wasn’t sure why it was taking so long. Though, part of her was afraid to even look at a boy after her mother’s talk. “If you have sex before marriage,” her mother warned, “you will get pregnant. Especially after the first time.” What about kissing at Skateworld? What about doing things with whipped cream? Were the maggots Amada’s punishment for doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing? 

“Please,” Yvette said, “Becca’s such a sucia. She’ll hump anything.” 

“What a slut,” Gabby mumbled. She didn’t know Becca, but if Yvette hated her, so did

Gabby. She tugged at her shirt, trying her best to hide her stomach and breasts as she listened to

Yvette talk about Mikey. The stomach was always an issue, but the breasts were new. Her hips

were rounder than before, making it harder to walk between the desks in class. Other kids noticed and had no problem calling her gorda, along with all the other synonyms they could think of. 

She noticed one of the boys in P.E. adjusting his gym shorts, exposing V-shaped abs below his waist. She continued to look as he wiped his face with his T-shirt. She didn’t know boys could be shaped like that. Her cheeks flushed, embarrassed. It was wrong. Only sucias looked that closely. 

Gabby sat in science class and tried her best to avoid Mikey. She didn’t understand Yvette’s obsession. He resembled every other boy in school—brown hair and eyes, wore a clunky, silver chain around his neck, and always got in trouble for having his shirt untucked. He held the flip phone in his lap, under his desk so Mrs. Flores wouldn’t notice. If Gabby had a phone, she would’ve told Yvette about it.

As Mrs. Flores handed back last week’s science tests, Gabby held her breath. She had spent weeks prepping for it, memorizing parts of the periodic table and their chemical properties. She kept her head down until she saw Mrs. Flores’ loafers. She exhaled when she saw the 92 at the top left corner of the Scantron.

“Nice work, Gabby,” Mrs. Flores said.

Gabby heard someone whisper “Kiss ass” when Mrs. Flores walked away. She turned and saw Mikey with his lips puckered. Then he made a “V” with his index and middle fingers and licked the skin between them. Gabby wasn’t entirely sure what he meant, but she noticed the red incorrect marks along his test. 

“You’re just pissed because you’ve taken this class twice and still can’t pass,” Gabby said. Mikey’s eyes widened. She heard the guy sitting next to him laugh.

“Whatever, gordita.”

Gabby turned and stared at her grade. She refused to show Mikey any of her tears. 

After school, Gabby sat in the living room with her younger sister, Elisa, watching The Suit Life of Zack and Cody. A bag of Sour Patch Kids sat between them. Since she was the eldest sibling, it was her responsibility to clean up around the house and wait for Elisa to get home at 3:30. But today was new Suit Life and she didn’t want to miss it. She figured she could put off cleaning for another thirty minutes.

“You know what?” Elisa asked.

“What?”

“I think Cody es guapo.” Elisa smiled before licking the coarse sugar off her lips. 

Gabby rolled her eyes. “What do you know about guapo? You’re eleven.”

“So?” Elisa protested. “You’re never had a boyfriend in your life.”

“Like you’ve had a boyfriend,” Gabby said, pretending that her sister’s comment didn’t hurt.

Elisa nodded. “Marco Cortez kissed me last week after school.” 

“That doesn’t count,” Gabby said. She tried not to let it bother her, but it did. It did count. Elisa was younger, and already the prettier sister. The thinner sister. It wasn’t fair.

“Qué es esto?” a voice interrupted.

Gabby watched as her mother shook her head before locking the front door. She looked at Elisa, whose eyes were so wide Gabby thought they were going to pop out of her head. Gabby couldn’t decide if her sister was more afraid of getting in trouble for not cleaning, or if their mother had heard her talk about Marco. Boys were never discussed in the Ramirez house.  

“I come home from working all day and nothing is clean?”

Gabby heard Elisa sigh before both girls apologized. 

Her mother stood in front of the TV. “Sorry?” she said. “I work all day, and for what? Así que pueden perezosas? Gabby start the rice for me. I need to change out of my work clothes.”

Gabby nodded and quickly walked to the kitchen. She grabbed the rice and a chicken Bouillon cube from the pantry. She didn’t understand why her mother was always tried after work. She was a secretary for a local dentist, and Gabby didn’t think it was that exhausting answering phone calls and scheduling appointments all day. It was usually after five when her mother came home, and she and Gabby would prepare dinner and wait for Gabby’s father to come home from his job at the Lyondell Refinery.  

When Gabby’s mother came back into the kitchen, long hair pulled back and wearing an oversized T-shirt and baggy shorts, she looked at Gabby. “Why are you still in your school clothes?” she said. “You know bigger clothes cost more, mija. I don’t need you ruining them.” 

“Sorry,” Gabby mumbled. She was used to her mother mentioning how expensive school clothes were ever since she started shopping in the Girls Plus department of JC Penney’s. 

Gabby stood in her room and looked at herself in the pink, full-length vanity mirror that hung in her closet. She didn’t think she was that big, even if everyone at school said so. She imagined how she would look if she had Yvette’s body. She would show off her midsection without anyone calling her names. She would wear small, spaghetti strap shirts and not worry about how big her arms looked. She would wear Juicy Couture track suits that Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie wore, and proudly show off  the rhinestone “Juicy” on her skinny backside. She would finally kiss a boy and know what everyone was talking about. As she changed out of her school clothes, she tried sucking in her stomach. She took off her collared shirt and khaki pants, both were starting to feel tight. Her pants left an indention around her stomach. She stayed in her room, thinking of all the ways she wanted to change her body, until her mother called her for dinner. 

Gabby used to love dinner with her family. Before, her father greeted her after work with a big hug. She hugged him back and told him about her day. Then her body changed. Now he only hugged Elisa. Gabby didn’t understand. She didn’t ask for her period. It just happened. Part of her felt dirty for having this new body, like she was the only one who morphed into something different and bad. She wanted to look like all the other girls in school and have her father’s love again.

“Hey mija,” her father said. He patted her head as Gabby sat at the kitchen table. Gabby’s

mother set a plate of taquitos in the middle of the table. She brought a plate of rice and beans to Gabby’s father before serving Gabby and her sister. Gabby noticed her portion was smaller than the rest of her family’s. When Gabby reached for a third taquito, she felt her mother’s gaze from across the table. She placed her hand on her lap. She wanted to protest. How could one more make her fat? She watched as Elisa ate everything on her full plate. 

The following afternoon, Gabby missed the bus. She had stayed after school to ask Mrs. Flores for help memorizing the formula for mole. Gabby told Yvette to wait for her, but when she left Mrs. Flores’ room Yvette, and the bus were gone. 

“Got left behind?”

Gabby turned and saw Mikey behind her. “Yeah,” she said, expecting a rude comment, or

maybe a joke about needing to exercise. 

Mikey looked around the empty bus lot before taking out his flip phone. “You need to call someone?”

Gabby hesitated. She thought about calling her mother for a ride home, but it was only 2:30. She didn’t want to get in trouble if she asked her mother to leave work. 

“No,” she said, “it’s okay. I’m not that far anyway.” Gabby actually never measured the distance from her house to school, but she knew it beat getting yelled at by her mother.  

“I’ll walk with you,” Mikey said. 

“No, it’s cool,” Gabby said. “I’ll be okay.”

“What happened to Yvette?”

Gabby couldn’t help but smile at the thought of telling Yvette that Mikey knew her name.

“I guess she took the bus without me. Where are your friends?” 

“In detention,” Mikey laughed.

“And you’re not?”

“Hey, I’m not as bad as you think I am,” Mikey smiled. 

Gabby blushed. She didn’t ask Mikey to leave as he walked next to her. They continued in silence down Pasadena Boulevard. Gabby didn’t know why Mikey was walking with her. Was this a trick? Why did he have to be so mean? She wanted to ask him but was afraid he would make fun of her. Her eyes wandered over his body, but she kept her head forward. He wasn’t totally bad looking. He was shorter than most of the guys in school, but he wasn’t completely ugly. Given the choice between him or, say, kissing a racoon that just crawled out of the garbage, he wasn’t that bad.

“You wanna go to the park?” Mikey asked, interrupting Gabby’s thoughts. “It’s just like a block from here.”

Gabby shook her head, surprised by his question. Neither of them had said a word since leaving school. “No, I have to get home.”

 “C’mon,” Mikey laughed. “I don’t bite. Two minutes, tops.” 

Gabby wondered if Mrs. Flores was still in her classroom. Maybe she could go back and call her mother? She thought about what her mother would say or accuse her of. She didn’t want her mother to think she had missed the bus because she was with a boy.

“What time is it?” Gabby asked.

Mikey looked at his phone. “2:40,” he said. 

Even if she went to the park for a bit, she concluded, she could still make it home before her mother. “Okay,” she said.

Herbert Tatar Park didn’t look like much, but it did have swings and an outdoor table that Mikey sat on. 

“My dad used to bring me here all the time when I was little,” he said. 

Gabby didn’t know what she was supposed to say, but she sat next to Mikey anyway. “Why did he stop taking you?” 

“He and my mom split up two years ago.” He was quiet for a minute before adding, “I haven’t seen him since.” 

Gabby didn’t know why Mikey was telling her this, as if somehow, she was supposed to know where his father had gone. “I’m sorry,” she said.

“That’s why I was held back,” Mikey said. Gabby noticed that he was looking down at the table. “My mom wasn’t doing so good when he left, so I stayed home with her. When the school found out I wasn’t going, they threatened to charge my mom with negligence or whatever. So, she sent me to live with my aunt in Houston for a while.”

Gabby couldn’t speak. All the rumors she had heard about Mikey were false. She wanted to say she understood, but she really didn’t.

She sat quietly until Mikey said, “I’m not stupid like people say I am.”

Gabby felt him staring. “No one thinks you’re stupid,” she said.

“You think I am.”

“Well, you called me fat,” Gabby said. She was annoyed. So what if she hurt Mikey’s feelings. He had hurt hers first. He was the popular one, the one everyone talked about. She felt awkward sitting next to him. She didn’t know why she agreed to go to the park, other than he was the first boy to ask her to go anywhere.  

“I’m sorry I called you fat,” Mikey said. 

Gabby was expecting an argument, not an apology. “I’m sorry I called you stupid,” she said.

Gabby felt Mikey’s hand on top of hers. Before she could pull it away, he kissed her, first on her hand, then on her lips. 

Her first kiss lasted longer than expected. She thought about Yvette for only a second, before her body gave all its attention to Mikey. She felt his hands on her chest. He slipped one hand under her shirt and over her bra. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do, so she let Mikey touch her nipple. His hand was damp with sweat but felt cool against her skin. 

“You have big boobs,” he said. 

“Thanks,” Gabby said because she couldn’t think of anything else to say. Suddenly, she felt his hands reaching for the button of her pleated pants. 

“What are you doing?” she whispered. She tried looking around to make sure they were alone before she felt Mikey’s hand between her thighs. 

“Can I touch you?” Mikey replied.

Gabby hesitated. She did and she didn’t want him to. She thought about Yvette being angry, then she thought about how good she felt the more Mikey kissed her. She didn’t understand why he liked her all of a sudden. She liked kissing him, and part of her wondered what it would be like if he did touch her. She felt a sensation from somewhere deep inside her. It scared her because she had never felt it before.

“Ok—” Gabby managed to say before she felt Mikey’s index finger slip into her underwear and then into her. She was surprised by how his finger felt as it moved up and down and sideways like a worm. 

“You’re so wet,” Mikey said. 

Gabby panicked. Was she supposed to feel that way? Was it her period or something else? She wasn’t sure, so she didn’t say anything as Mikey moved his finger faster and faster. As he pressed his finger deeper inside her, she closed her eyes and felt a rush of pressure. 

“I have to go home,” Gabby said. She sprang from the table, forcing Mikey to move his hand away from her. 

“Are you okay?” she heard Mikey say as she buttoned her pants and walked away. She didn’t answer and didn’t wait for him to follow.

That night, as Gabby stood in the shower, the hot water was almost unbearable. She scrubbed between her legs, worried that Mikey’s finger somehow damaged her. She didn’t know why it felt so good to be touched like that, but it made her sad and a little angry that Mikey had made her feel that way. She replayed the kiss over and over, embarrassed, and excited that it finally happened. 

Gabby wiped the fog off the bathroom mirror. Was she officially a woman now? She didn’t feel like one. In fact, she felt the same. Her body looked the same, though she didn’t look down there. She had never looked. She convinced herself that everything was the same. No one would find out, not her mother or her best friend.

Gabby pretended everything was fine the next morning as she met Yvette at the bus stop.

She listened as Yvette complained about school and talked about Mikey. 

“Why does he give sucias like Becca the time of day, but never me?” Yvette said.

Gabby shrugged. “I don’t get it,” she said. “He’s not even cute.” 

“I could have sex with him,” Yvette said, “I want him to take my virginity.” 

“No, Yvette,” Gabby said. “Why would you say that?” She wondered if one finger made someone not a virgin. Probably not, but she couldn’t help but worry. Maybe her mother was right? Could a girl get pregnant from a finger? That didn’t seem right. 

“You don’t get it,” Yvette said. “It’s like you don’t even like boys.”

“I like boys,” Gabby said. Part of her wanted to tell Yvette everything that happened, but she knew Yvette would be hurt. “Just not stupid ones who’ve failed eighth grade ten

times.”

“Mikey didn’t fail ten times,” Yvette protested.

“You can honestly do so much better,” Gabby said. She followed Yvette onto the bus, looking down the whole ride to school, pushing feelings of guilt and shame as far down as she could. 

By lunch everyone knew. Gabby didn’t know it at first, not until she saw Mikey walking

with his friends towards the gym and one of them pointed at her. She watched as Mikey nodded

and smiled. Está gorda,” she heard him say, “but her pussy felt good.”

Gabby knew that Yvette knew as soon as she sat down across from her at lunch.

“What the fuck?” Yvette said. Gabby could tell Yvette wanted to cry or might’ve been crying before she sat down.

“I’m so sorry, Yvette,” Gabby didn’t bother denying it. She knew no matter what she said, Yvette wouldn’t believe her.

“You don’t even like him,” Yvette yelled. 

“I know,” Gabby said. She didn’t bother telling her that Mikey insisted on walking with her. She didn’t bother getting mad at Yvette for not waiting for the bus with her that day, or that she was nervous the whole time and felt stupid for thinking, even for a second, that he was nice. She deserved to be yelled at for being so naïve. This was the punishment.  

“I had to hear it from Maggots,” Yvette sounded disgusted. “She ran up to me calling you a puta and I almost slapped her. She told me that she heard you were at the park with him.” 

Gabby looked around and saw other students listening to their conversation.

“You’re not even pretty.” Yvette didn’t yell this time, but Gabby could hear her perfectly. She watched as Yvette grabbed her lunch tray and walked inside the cafeteria. 

Gabby sat there, feeling everyone watching her. They all knew what she had done. Why weren’t they talking about Mikey? He was at the park, too. He was the one who started

everything. Why weren’t they calling him names? She sat there, hating herself. She had never felt so ugly. She was mad about going with Mikey. She was mad that she listened to his stupid story about his stupid father. Mostly, she was mad that she liked kissing him. How was it possible that Mikey could tell her something so personal and then treat her like this? 

By the end of the day, everyone was calling her some variation of a slut, and she was left to fend for herself. A girl she had never met asked her if it was true that she and Mikey had sex on a park bench. Someone else asked if she had given Mikey a blowjob, whatever that was. Gabby tried to explain that Mikey didn’t take any of his clothes off, but their smirks told her no one believed her. Of course they didn’t. 

She tried to avoid looking at Mikey in science class, but she couldn’t stop. She hated that she was still thinking about their kiss. As class continued, she thought about punching him. Or telling him that his dad probably left to find a better, smarter son. She also thought about him touching her, as much as she didn’t want to think about it. His lips felt soft and she was mad for wanting to feel them again. He didn’t try talking to her when class was over, and that hurt more than she ever thought it could. 

Gabby stayed in her bedroom after school that day. She wasn’t interested in watching TV with her sister or eating with her family. She ate quickly and left the dinner table, telling her mother she needed to study for a test. She stayed in her room until her mother kissed her goodnight. Gabby didn’t want to admit it, but she was thinking about Mikey. Not him, exactly, but how he touched her. She wondered if he had ever done anything like that before as she walked from her bed to her closet, revealing her vanity mirror. He probably had. She was annoyed that Mikey could make her body feel so good one minute then act like she didn’t exist the next. She was determined to know why it felt so good to begin with. Was she a bad person for wanting to feel what she felt at the park, again? Was it even possible to feel good without another person?

Gabby took off her pajama bottoms then underwear. Yvette’s words echoed as she stared at her body through the vanity mirror. You’re not even pretty. She kept her T-shirt on; she didn’t want to see her stomach, the source of most of her bullying. She sat down on her bedroom floor in front of her mirror and positioned herself. Slowly, Gabby spread her legs. She didn’t know what she was expecting as she examined herself. She paused for a minute and was surprised by how she looked down there. It was pink. She really wished she could’ve known that before looking. She was expecting to feel ugly, but she didn’t. There was nothing ugly about it. Why was she told to stay away from her own body?

In that moment, she decided to take off her shirt. She stared at her breasts before tracing her fingers around them. She had never given them much thought other than to hide them. She was surprised by how good it felt when she touched her nipples. Maybe they weren’t so horrible after all. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing to have breasts. Or hips. There was no one there to stop her or call her names. It was her body, after all. She thought she would feel dirty the longer she stared and touched herself, but in that moment, there was no shame.