I found business cards from my last job, at Wyandotte County Infant-Toddler Services. I worked there as an interpreter. I toss them in the trash. 

Today, I focused on my cardio and began to really train for a 5k run. 

Had a good day at Sea Life Aquarium with B. We saw some Regal Blue Tangs and Clownfish, the same as Dory and Nemo. 

One of my ex-coworkers asks, “What do you like most about the new job?” I thought, “What do I like about the job?”

I picked up Frank X. Walker’s poetry collection, The Unghosting of Medgar Evars; read the poem, “Unwritten Rules for Young Black Boys Wanting to Live in Mississippi Long Enough to Become Men”. Rule number two insists, “Never look a white man in the eye.” Rule number six suggests, “Pretend your name really is boy, son, or worse.” 

Ride-along schedule: June 17th and 24th from 6:00 pm to 10:00 pm. September 21st and 28th, plus October 5th (times are to be determined). Dress in full uniform: bullet-proof vest, duty belt, loaded sidearm and magazines, along with all less-lethal weapons. 

In blade culture, many people believe that the use of stabbing or cutting instruments is a primal instinct. 

Dream: While pumping gas at a QuikTrip station with B in the back seat, shots are fired in my direction. From every direction. 

Deepak Chopra is coming to Johnson County Community College on Thursday, November 14, 2013. Tickets cost $37.50 or $55.00. 

"Every object leaves a trace”, we learn in class. 

Necessary force is the only lawful force; minimal necessary force is the maximum allowable force. 

Bruno Mars’ Unorthodox Jukebox album stays on replay. “Bang, bang, gorilla!”

On bathroom breaks and lunches, some of the police recruits and I, watch the George Zimmerman trial. His mother was born in Peru, which makes Georgie Hispanic, with African roots. 

Dr. Henry Louis Gates discussed the historic and blatant rejection of blackness in his series, Black in Latin America. It was a few years after the “beer summit” that took place in a courtyard near the White House Rose Garden. 

Netflix TV show, Flint showcases the Michigan city struggling to gain access to potable water and to have their basic needs supported. One black law enforcement officer admits the following, “Police officers are seen as outsiders in urban America. White officers are seen as racist, while black officers, like myself, can be seen as traitors to the race.” 

Another quote expresses the difficult nature of the decision to wear the badge, “Who’s gonna replace me, if I leave? A White officer, that didn’t grow up in this community?”

What did we need to learn from George Floyd’s death that we failed to learn with Rodney King? 

Gun malfunctions include: failure to feed, failure to fire, failure to extract, failure to eject. 

The city of Olathe, Kansas has five address systems, meaning five different ways to locate specific addresses, homes, etc. 

“Guns are tools, not toys”, I tell my son. I keep my Glock, Taser, and duty belt in the master bedroom. “Remember to ask permission to go in mami and papi’s room”, I add. 

We learned to use Ask-Tell-Make as a decision-making process. One polite request. One stern command. One, possibly more, use of force violations. 

Me and another police academy recruit drove to St. Louis together, to hear an author talk  on The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness. We drove to the Missouri History Museum on 5700 Lindell Boulevard. The inscription on the book reads, “To Bécquer: With hopes for justice, Michelle Alexander, 10/1/13.” 

Michelle reminds me of an ex-girlfriend. She has short, curly hair, and her smile conceals a knowing smirk. During her talk, and some of her comments about law enforcement, I wonder what type of cops we will be and what kinds of “crimes” will we be asked to enforce. A moving quote of Alexander’s states, “No other country in the world imprisons so many of its racial or ethnic minorities.” 

Next Monday, we’ll be at Mill Creek Rifle Club at 8:00 am. We’re told to bring a hat, bug spray, sunblock, earmuffs, and our own lunch. We’re also told to prepare for rain. 

If a suspect decides to charge and inflict bodily harm, the distance officers are able to draw and fire a weapon before a suspect reaches them, is twenty-one feet. 

We’re taught reasons when we can use physical force. One of them offers examples of when words have failed, using the SAFER acronym. Security: Ours or someone else’s safety is at risk; Attack: when we are physically assaulted; Flight: when someone runs away; Excessive repetition (see: Ask-Tell-Make); and Revised Priorities: when something changes during the situation, meaning, all of a sudden (this) is no longer my first priority.

B had fun playing with his cousins at his uncle’s summer wedding; pictures of the kids together made them look like a boy band. 

I got written up for “poor performance” because I didn’t bring my mouth guard to defensive tactics class. The memo read, “failure to have proper equipment”.

Eating fried yuca with mojo sauce. The mild root comes to life with the citrus flavors and the pungent taste of the onions and garlic. 

She said, about my watching The Walking Dead, “Stop watching that shit!”. It was before my shift; her and the baby were asleep.

I’m so jealous of Erika’s Air Jordan VI sneakers. I love the infrared colorway, the air bubble technology, and how Mike wore them when he won his first championship in ‘91. Erika believes I never massaged her feet enough during pregnancy. 

I have twenty-three available PTO hours to use for our Philly appointment to see B’s oncologist. Sergeant Bragg needs to approve my leave. 

I was yelled at today for wearing the academy sweater outside of the classroom. No other recruit gets as cold as I do. Per the instructor, that put me, “out of uniform”.

I bought a snapback St. Louis cap for all the times me and B read the Albert Pujols picture book together. 

A neighbor down the street asked if he could park his new truck in our second garage. He offered us monthly payments. 

On November 18, 2013, Junot Diaz came to Lawrence, Kansas for a reading. All the latinos present made the auditorium feel like an independence day festival. 

The depression-era movie about the bootlegging Bondurant Brothers shows a tougher side to Tom Hardy than his Band of Brothers role. He reminds me of my cousin Gil. 

Last night I watched Bryan Stevenson’s Ted Talk on injustice. He says, “We have a system of justice in this country that treats you much better if you’re rich and guilty than if you’re poor and innocent. Wealth, not culpability shapes outcomes.” I’m beginning to see what he means. 

A field training officer taught me that apartment complexes are a cesspool for crime and nuisance, due to the high volume of calls for service: assault, harassment, theft, and disorderly conduct, among others.  

B turned three this week. I invited some academy recruits to his party. He was born on a Friday, the 13th, and after fifteen hours of natural labor, an emergency c-section was needed. On the trip home two days later, I noticed my motorized scooter had been stolen, and on B’s first day at our apartment, a bat entered the space and took flights around the living room. Erika and I cowered in the bedroom with the baby and notified Animal Control.

The Walking Dead’s season three marks the return of Morgan, the black man who saved Rick in the series opener. Years or seasons later, Morgan would become a pacifist, a skilled martial artist. He carried with him a copy of Morihei Ueshiba’s book The Art of Peace. Morihei founded the martial art, aikido. 

I moved a single mattress upstairs to the attic. Bought a new blanket, and slept apart for months. 

Along with magnets representing the many cities or countries I’ve visited, posted on my refrigerator is a Morihei Ueshiba quote: “The true meaning of the samurai is one who serves and adheres to the power of love.”

The Make-A-Wish Foundation made it possible for us to visit Marvel Island and for B to meet his two cousins and my sisters for the first time. All three kids are six to nine months apart. At Epcot or Universal Studios, we ran into Dr. Cornel West and took a picture with brother West. This was our last trip as a family. 

Dream: Robin, a beautiful blond, Speech Pathologist I worked with sings the Alphabet Song 

softly, as she rocks a tantrumy autistic toddler in her arms. We drink coffee together and talk about our spouses and children. In reality, Robin soothed that boy, while the mother and I watched on; then she got into a car accident. 

I took down the American flag from the flagpole and learned the triangle fold, along with the importance of not letting the flag touch ground. The folding ceremony also taught me that each of the thirteen folds symbolizes something different: belief in eternal life, to honor and remember the veterans. I’m more connected to the tenth, since it represents the fathers. I prefer to not sacrifice my son in defense of a country.

Maybe corn is healthier, but I prefer the taste and texture of flour tortillas with my street tacos. And lots and lots of onions and cilantro. 

With a smile on his face, and the words forming from his lips sounding kind and eloquent, one Captain tells us to always, “have a plan on how you will kill someone, if the situation goes south.”

I danced a few salsa steps at the “Mexican” Sun Fresh Supermarket, when the speakers play Marc Anthony’s “Vivir mi vida”. 

Got my first tattoo. 

Ran a 5K today, without stopping. The slowest runner led the pack. I led. All of us recruits shouted cadences as we passed hiking trails and crossed the busy streets. 

“Oh no! Gotta run! Gotta run!

Mile one, having fun. 

Mile two, tie your shoe. 

Mile three, you and me. 

Mile four, a little more. A little more.”

In the car, we listen to the Frozen soundtrack in both English and Spanish. 

During Active Shooter Training, one instructor says, “Be the wolf!!” I think (sarcastically), Okay Denzel. 

For your safety and mine, please keep your hands out of your pocket. 

At my new two-bedroom apartment, I hang pictures of the family. I make sure there are some photos of B’s mom, her brothers and parents. I drink Chivas 18, a scotch/whisky blend aged eighteen years. I enjoy the dark chocolate and zesty orange on each sip. I drink it neat; though my life is a mess. 

Listen to Ibeyi’s first album. The twin sisters sing in Spanish, English, French, and Yoruba. I pray for a partner who’s an artist and whose voice would reverberate throughout our home. 

The marijuana smell floats from the downstairs apartment up to my balcony. Sometimes I eat 

my meals outside, call my sisters. Forget. 

Was introduced to the book Einstein’s Dreams written by Alan Lightman. The various concepts of time aren’t good for forgetting. 

Memory: On a May 2012 trip to Philadelphia for B’s cancer treatment, he locks himself in the hotel bathroom minutes after we arrive. He was twenty-one months old. Erika slid tourist brochures and pamphlets under the door, as he wailed and shouted to be let out. “Oh sweetie! I know; I know” said Erika, as maintenance knocked loudly, prepared to remove the door from its hinges. 

I’m 36 today. I completed the police academy and presented my speech, my hopes. Right before we leave the auditorium, my niece Amber tries to remove my sidearm from its holster. 

Traded books with my Omaha friend, Genevieve. Among the stack she mailed me was Natalie Diaz’s, When My Brother Was an Aztec. “If there is a god of fruit or things devoured, and this is all it takes to be beautiful, then God, please let her eat another apple tomorrow.”

The cactus I bought for our space died a few days ago. B told me I should only buy plastic plants, “because you kill the real ones, papi.”

Got my second tattoo. A couple’s tattoo, of sorts. 

Julia Alvarez visited the KU campus in March 2017. We spoke briefly. Though older, she reminds me of my cousin Allison. Elegant. 

Ferguson police officer, Darren Wilson, kills a young black teen. A few days after B’s fourth birthday, the Governor of Missouri declares a state of emergency due to the unrest and community protests surrounding Michael Brown’s death. 

Read Anne Morrow-Lindbergh’s, Gift from the Sea. Now, every person in my life and experience represents a shell. Some, rarer than others. 

I never married. I proposed once, to Erika. 

Leslie and I exchanged cigar bands. I keep mine in my car’s glove compartment next to my karambit knife. She ended things years ago. 

“To the strongest man I know. Love you always”, reads an inscription of a book Leslie gave me of Thich Nhat Hanh. 

On the car ride home from the National Civil Rights Museum at The Lorraine Motel, B tells me one of his smiles was seeing Dr. King’s unmade made. 

Rewatched, El hijo de la novia, with Argentinian actor, Ricardo Darín. “Hice todo mal”, he reveals, and I can’t help but feel like a fuck-up too. 

B asked if I knew how the bathroom door at his mom’s house got broken. There’s a rectangular piece of wood nailed to it; not painted to match the paint color.  I tell him, “It happened after a fight with your mom. I kicked it like a soccer ball. I know I made the wrong choice. I make better choices now when I’m angry.”

Car hauler trucks pass me on the highway this morning and scenes from a parallel life show me I’m an expert car thief. See the army-green Range Rover? That’s my car!

My cousin said he’s reinventing himself. We are both reinventing ourselves. 

Drove to St. Louis again. Strange how her smile appears to me in every inch of this city.