Elena Sanchez

Snow Day

It was the day Natalia, Mateo, and their son were going to take their first family Christmas photo, though the picture was going to be a week late, when Christmas just felt like a hazy memory. 

 Natalia wasn’t a teen mom and always made that clear to the people. Sure, she was 19 during most of the pregnancy but she was 20 by the time she had Diego. It wasn’t like she was a teenager in high school during this time. Not a college student either. The swollen feet, stretch marks, and constant retching all felt worth it when she looked into Diego’s eyes which looked just like her own. The rest of his face looked like Mateo’s, which made her feel a bit defeated. This child lived inside her for nine months and the least he could have done was look like her. But maybe it was for the best. She always felt her eyes were her best feature. 

They went out to the mountains for the Christmas picture. Going to see the snow was one of the best free activities. Natalia knew a place where they could park the truck and sleep overnight without getting ticketed. As Mateo drove, Natalia untangled a cluster of twinkle lights. She wanted to make their car as cozy as a cabin, having an array of memory foam pillows, wool blankets, sleeping bags, and a portable heater set up in the back seats. When Diego would wake up in the morning, he’d see glowing frosted windows and snow trickling down. Mateo would wake up frustrated, as he always was when they went to the snow. He thought it just felt like kicking around ice all day. 

As they got closer to the mountains, Mateo turned the radio up near its maximum volume, with the signal going out every few minutes. Natalia placed her hands over Diego’s ears, though he wore ear muffs and was fast asleep. 

“Could you turn it down?” Natalia asked. 

Mateo turned off the radio completely. He continued staring down the straight, icy one-lane road. Natalia held Diego closer to her chest, hoping her rapid heartbeat wouldn’t wake him up.

“I just don’t get why we’re taking this photo now. Christmas is over,” Mateo said. 

“Well, maybe if you were there on Christmas day we could have taken something then.”

The car began to rattle, feeling like it was merely rolling rather than accelerating. Mateo pulled over to the side of the road to where a lone spruce tree stood, its branches covered in dirty ice. He took the keys out of the car. 

“Why’d you pull over?” Natalia asked. 

“I’ve been trying. You have to acknowledge that,” Mateo said.

“He wakes up when you stop the car all of a sudden like that. It’s only a matter of time before he starts screaming again.” 

Mateo shook his head. He stepped outside the car and examined under the hood. He walked in a circle around the car, feeling the tires for holes and tinkering with cables. When he went back inside the car, he slammed the door. 

Natalia stroked Diego’s hair, causing his fluttering eyes to return shut. “I think my gas meter is broken again,” Mateo said. 

Natalia looked out the window. Despite being only three in the afternoon, the sky was graying. The illuminated cabins in the mountains always managed to make the sky look more vibrant, causing the clouds to look less like smoke and more like beige puffy cotton balls. Natalia wanted a photo in front of a cabin that looked like it cost more than $300 for a night, the well-lit sky, and a dozen cedar trees behind them. She wanted to post a set of photos and for people from high school to comment not about the surprise of seeing a baby in her arms, but asking where they took such beautiful photos. She would tell them that they took a vacation on a whim like they always did. Then she would give plenty of recommendations of five-star cabins, where to get the best hot cocoa nearby, and where to ski. 

“We can just take the photo out here. This tree kind of looks like a Christmas tree anyways,” Mateo said. 

“This could be anywhere. There’s nothing special about a tree off the side of the road.” “It’s just a photo, Natalia.” 

Natalia secured a beanie over Diego’s head, fastened the straps of her soft structured carrier, and placed him inside of it. She opened the car door and began walking straight ahead. She could hear Mateo’s boots squeaking from behind her. 

“The next gas station is over a mile away. I know they have gas cans but it’s going to be a bit of a walk there,” Mateo said. 

“We should eat first then. Just something quick so we still have time for everything,” Natalia said. 

Natalia and Mateo turned into an empty unpaved parking lot with a large faded sign 

advertising a 24-hour diner. They walked inside and sat down at a booth with rips on both sides of the cushioned leather seats.  

A waitress in a checkered dress and a white apron that had been worn ten years too long approached their table. She asked, “What can I get started for you?” 

“We’ll have two club sandwiches and two glasses of water,” Mateo said. 

Natalia set down her menu. She locked eyes with the waitress, hoping somehow she’d get the hint that what she had been craving all day was mozzarella sticks. Instead, the waitress scribbled on her notepad, collected the menus, and headed toward the kitchen. 

“Why didn’t you ask what I wanted?” Natalia asked. 

“I just assumed you’d get what you usually get at restaurants.” 

“But you didn’t even ask.” 

“You could have spoken up for yourself.” 

Natalia sighed. “She would’ve assumed something was wrong if I corrected you. I remember working as a waitress and when couples would do things like that, it would become something bigger. It usually ended up in some kind of fight.” 

“Are we not fighting? I feel like we’re always fighting,” Mateo said. 

The sounds of frozen meat and potatoes being shoved into a rowdy sizzling deep fryer suddenly felt more relaxing to Natalia. She rubbed Diego’s hair methodically, believing somehow that if she continued her circular motions, he would stay asleep and so would her urge to muster up a retort. Instead, the thought of “I don’t want another fight” kept repeating over and over. It grew louder until the smell of buttery pancakes and onion rings couldn’t distract her from it any longer. 

“You never told me where you were on Christmas,” Natalia said. 

“I thought I did. I had my last shift that day,” Mateo said. 

“You said your last shift was the week before Christmas, remember? You quit two weeks before that Wednesday.” 

The waitress arrived with two platters of club sandwiches and french fries. She set a glass of water down in front of Natalia. The glass had no smear marks, almost like it was delicately washed just for her. She could see a bit of her face in it, her incurable frown warped and drowning away. 

“I’m just wondering, that’s all. We never talked about it. I just kind of accepted it like I accept everything.” 

“There it is,” Mateo said. “I’ve been waiting for a comment like this all day. I thought it’d happen during the car ride but this time you surprised me.” 

Natalia slumped down in her seat. “Fine, I won’t beat around the bush anymore. I don’t think you were at work. Most construction sites aren’t even open on holidays.”

“I worked on Thanksgiving too. They don’t care about holidays.”

“But even then, it doesn’t make sense with the timeline you gave me about quitting.” 

“The timeline wouldn’t exist if you weren’t at home all day fixating on these little things. Maybe I told you I was going to put in my two weeks then but I actually did it a week later. Sorry.” 

Mateo took a bite from his sandwich, exposing the lettuce and tomatoes in his mouth in between chews. Natalia remembered after their first date how much she hated the way he ate. She even thought it was enough reason to not go on a second date. But Mateo always had a way of convincing Natalia that she only saw the bad in things and that she could be so much happier if she gave things a chance. 

“I’m at home all day taking care of your child, not fixating on your every move,” Natalia said. 

“So now he’s just my kid?” 

“I didn’t mean it that way.” 

“Well, maybe I shouldn’t beat around the bush either. I think you’re tired and that’s fine. I appreciate all you do for us. But I’m tired too and I’m doing everything you told me to do to make this work. I’m looking for a better job, I’m not smoking, and I always stay up with Diego on weekends. So just be honest with me and yourself, is all this going to work?” 

Natalia stared down at her half-eaten sandwich. As much as she disliked wasting food, she felt like she was going to be sick. She scooted to the edge of the booth, careful not to rock Diego too much. “Can we go now? I just really want to take this photo. We don’t even have to go to where the cabins are, there’s an area with some nice trees nearby that’s less than fifteen minutes away.” 

“Answer my question.” 

“It’s working, okay? It’s working fine. You’re right, I’m just tired. But all I want to do right now is take this photo.” 

“You can go with Diego. I’ll stay here and finish up.”

“But that would defeat the purpose. We came all this way to take a family photo.” 

“It’s getting too dark to take a decent picture. We just need to focus on getting gas. It’s already going to take a while to walk there and back and then we gotta fill up the tank and still drive to the parking spot. It’s already too much for Diego.”

“Why don’t we try to call a tow truck? Then the only walking we’ll do with him is for the photo.”

“I’m already tight on money. It’s just not going to work out, Nat. Maybe we can just do this some other time. I mean, is the photo really the only reason we’re here?”

 “I just want to show people I’m okay, that all of this is okay.” Natalia walked around to the other side of the table and unhooked the straps of the carrier from her shoulders. She gently set Diego down on Mateo’s lap before heading to the bathroom. 

Natalia sat on the tile floor marked with gray stains, light scratches, and dark brown cracks. She put her face in her palms and took several deep breaths. She rose from the cold floor and stared into the mirror. What she always liked about her eyes was that they were good at not getting flooded with tears. They would release one or two, not even making her eyes red. At one point she was insecure about this, believing people would never think she was genuine with her feelings. But at that moment, it felt like a superpower. 

Natalia could see snow falling from the small window at the top left corner of the bathroom. She stood on top of the toilet to get a better look. When she peered down, she saw a pile of snow. It looked like snow did in cartoons, a perfect two-foot-tall white clump. She hadn’t seen so much snow neatly packed together. 

She took a small jump, testing her balance, and followed it with a bigger leap. She forced the window open and took her final and largest jump, using her quivering arms to hoist her body out of the window. The drop was less high than she assumed, though her landing spot ruined the perfect snow pile. She landed on her two feet and wobbled at the impact. After a few moments, she allowed herself to fall and let the ice coat her back.

“I’m okay,” Natalia said under her breath. She actually believed herself this time, even though she couldn’t feel her fingers. She relaxed her shoulders and closed her eyes. The sounds of crying and whispering voices came closer. Where’s mommy, Diego? She began to rapidly dig through the snow and cleared a space for herself. She brushed the snow over her body, grabbing handfuls and sinking lower. Her shivering began to feel pointless as her body became completely numb. 

Natalia wished that the snow wasn’t so dangerously cold and that Diego could stay in it with her. It didn’t make sense to her how she could feel such an intense, undying love for him yet want to remain under the snow forever. She wished she didn’t feel so alone when she was at home taking care of him. She wished she could fast forward a year or two to when he was able to speak in full sentences. They could talk about something as simple as the alphabet and she could at least feel a sense of comfort in another person. She wanted to fast-forward as much as she desired, skipping to Diego’s first day at college. Even though she knew she would be crying on that day, she wouldn’t care because it would mean everything was worth it. But at that moment, all she wished to do was tell Diego she was sorry. She desperately wanted to be a mother who was stable above ground. 

Footsteps came closer, halting near Natalia’s fortress. She held her breath and tightly shut her eyes. 

“We’ll just have to keep looking,” Mateo said as Diego’s cries of discomfort grew. 

More snow began to fall, further distorting Natalia’s already blurred view of the snow boots in the distance. She didn’t move. 

“She’ll show up. She always does,” Mateo said.

Mateo’s words felt like a warm blanket that had been embraced for the night only to feel cold again in the morning. Natalia wiped the snow off her eyelids, rubbing her eyes gently to help her see again. She could see Diego’s rosy cheeks wet with tears and how Mateo tried to wipe them away as he rocked him in his arms. Natalia felt words forming in her dry throat and soon they escaped her to say, “I’m here.” 

Mateo’s boots swiftly changed directions. He clutched Diego in one arm and used his strength in the other to pull Natalia out of her pool of snow. She struggled to stand, feeling like her legs were frozen beyond repair. 

 With his free hand, Mateo frantically dusted off the snow that covered Natalia’s jacket and jeans. “Are you crazy?” Mateo said over Diego’s piercing cries. “What were you thinking?”  

Natalia turned her head to glance at the pile of snow with a large dent behind her. She wanted to say that she had finally felt peace but knew it wasn’t true. A sense of peace couldn’t feel that cold. 

“You could’ve gotten hypothermia! And Diego couldn’t stop crying- you could’ve done something really bad to yourself.” 

Natalia brushed the remaining ice off her shoulders and shifted her feet, feeling a tingling sensation return. She rubbed her hands together, creating the slightest sense of warmth. As Diego’s cries softened, she ran her fingertips across the brim of his beanie. 

“I thought you left us,” Mateo said. 

Natalia allowed herself to look Mateo in the eyes. She had never seen them so wide and fragile. Though Diego certainly had Natalia’s eyes, she could see how he might have Mateo’s eyes too. She quickly embraced Mateo and held his shivering body, Diego pressed between their chests. 

“I’m sorry,” Natalia said.

As she held the two, Natalia felt as if she was looking down at herself. She could notice little things, like the way she caressed Diego’s head with one hand and rubbed Mateo’s back with the other. It looked like it was a lot to do at once with her hands, almost like she was performing in front of a large crowd in a dark theater and trying to exaggerate her movements. But this felt natural. Anyone looking down could see that.