Darelys Lugo

The Turmoil

I tilt my phone to show Cata a lilac dress with lace on the top and bottom and over the lace are pink roses on green leaves. She gives me a thumbs up as she shows me this red dress that has off-the-shoulder lace sleeves. I like the dress but I was not sure if it was a good idea to wear that colour with my mother, actually, any dress that isn’t white will be a problem for my mom, but I really don’t want to wear white. I got up from the couch to get a drink and to see Alec who was whispering something to Chase, but Alec’s head raised so I could see his hazel eyes following my moment. He immediately takes a swing of the Modelo he has been holding for some time but not drinking for some reason. I wrap my arms around Alec’s waist while he and Chase continue to drink the Modelo Alec’s father always keeps in the fridge. Alec swats my hand and looks over his shoulder toward me. His eyes narrow and there is a permanent scowl on his face. Chase scoffs and slams the bottle on the counter.

“Would it kill you to leave him alone for a couple of minutes?” Chase says with gritted teeth while crossing his arms, “Geez, why are you always so clingy?” 

Alec smiles, but his lips are thin, “Vero, why don’t you do something else? I want to spend time with my buddy.”

I step back from Alec, “but you two have been spending all this time together…I thought that–”

“You thought what?” Alec’s voice raises a bit, “We fucking live together, okay. We spend enough time together.” Alec sighs and with a lower voice tells me, “Please, just do something else. Catalina…” Alec’s pronunciation of Catalina is still so wrong. He calls her ‘Cat-a-lina’ rather than ‘Cata-lina.’ It is honestly not that hard to pronounce. “… anything else,” Alec finishes but I have no idea what he said after Cata. Cata gets up and ushers me to her, but I ignore Cata. I nod my head while examining my nail polish which is already chipping in certain areas. Chase slouches his shoulder and flicks his hand as a signal for me to go. My shoulder raises as my body tense at the signal. I take a Mug Root Beer from the fridge since that’s all they have and leave the room. I step outside into the wood deck and lean against the rails painted in a glossy chestnut color. I sip on the root beer while staring at the night sky. I take out my phone from the back pocket of my short pants. 

“¿Vero, estás bien?” Since we met, Cata has been the anchor in my life, always so concerned about me. She has so much wisdom that I never got growing up in my strict Catholic family. She watched and guided me when we used to live together. When Alec wanted me to move in with him, I was relieved to leave. I did wish Cata could have come live with us, but Alec did not like the idea. So, Cata had to stay with her brother, my stupid sister, and our adorable nephew. 

“¿Vero, qué pasa?”

“Es Alec, no sé qué hacer o decir. Ni siquiera se que estoy haciendo mal.” 

“¿Pasó algo entre ustedes dos antes? Cata asks. 

“No lo sé, pero si algo pasó entonces no se que. Intento hablar con el y se irrita mucho y luego también está el hecho de que hay algo que lo está poniendo nervioso pero no se por que. Ha estado así durante los últimos dos meses desde que Ari murió. Estoy cansada de esta mierda.”

“¿Por qué te quedas con él?” I expect that question from my mother who disproves Alec for not being Hispanic or Catholic. She acts like Hispanic or Catholic boys are good but I dated those types of boys and most of them just want sex. Something about being deprived of their male urges…whatever that means.

I honestly don't want an argument, so instead I say, “la noche esta bonito hoy.”

Cata sighs behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder, “las estrellas son más brillantes aquí.”

I feel Paisley, Lana’s puppy, stretching on my leg. I guess Lana must have let her out to waste her energy, why else would Paisley be out without Lana? The German Shepard’s beady eyes stare at me as her tail wags behind her. I put my root beer on the rail and then scratch behind Paisley’s ears. I beckoned her with my head to walk with me to the other side of the deck. She glances at the other side of the deck and then back at me with her tail wagging more. 

The moon is a waxing crescent and I could see Orion’s belt but not the Big Dipper or the Little Dipper. So, I focus on Orion’s belt. Alnitak, Alnilam, and Mintaka. I hear the door sliding open and close for a minute. I hesitate when I reach the last stairs while Paisley goes ahead, and after a moment I place my bare feet on the grass. I keep walking on my tip-toe away from Alec’s childhood home. I finally reach the top of the hill and stretch my neck to see the night sky. Orion’s belt is more prominent now. I can see Alnitak, Alnilam, and Mintaka more closely. I lay down on the grass, rubbing Paisley’s belly, and slowly immerse myself in the different constellations. 

Eventually, Cata follows me after most likely grabbing her shoes since walking barefoot anywhere in her household is a crime against humanity. Woof. Woof. Grrrrrr. Grrrrrrrr. Woof. Woof. Mmmmmm. Paisley quiets down after realizing it is just Cata approaching us. Paisley is practically trying to climb on Cata’s leg, making it difficult for her to get me.

“¡Paisley, vete aquí!” Paisley sprints towards me before jumping on me. I groan while Paisley licks all over me. 

Cata squats to sit on the ground slowly as Alec's voice rings out. I immediately place my head on her lap and let her run her fingers through my curly red hair. She leans down to give me two kisses on each cheek, her dark brown hair tickling me.

Neither of us is talking instead the sound of frogs, bugs, and the shifting of something fills the air. All we do is point at different constellations with our index fingers. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I hear Alec yell from somewhere in the house. I continue to look at the night sky ignoring Alec yelling at Chase about whatever it is. 

“Lana, I can’t drive! I drank multiple bottles of Dad's Modelo!” 

“Oh, but you can shoot Dad’s gun! You’re fucking dumb!” 

I immediately spring up and look back at the house at the mention of a gun. My mind immediately thinks Alec + Drunk + Gun = Stupid Idea. Cata and I rush through the sliding door. We kind of squash the other since the door is not big enough for the both of us. 

“Don’t use that tone with me, young lady! If I drive, I will lose my license!”

"I'm sorry Lana, I didn't mean to yell. It's just I can't drive, and you know what, you are right. I probably shouldn't be shooting Dad's gun." 

I arrive at the study to see Lana pouting while Paisley trips over her paws towards her. “What’s going on?” I say as my hand subconsciously on my hips while jutting out my hips. Alec looks at me nervous and back at the open gun safe. Chase is in the corner, scratching the back of his head and looking everywhere but me.

“I know that you were not about to shoot a gun when you are drunk,” I am seething. I clench my hands with the fabric of my shirt so my nails do not dig into the skin of my palm like usual, “your parents entrust you to watch Lana while they are gone and what do you do? What do you do drink and attempt to–”

“Do. Not. Lecture. At. Me. Vero.”

My body freezes as Alec raises his hand– Slap! She falls to the ground, gripping the counter for support as she stands. He is still yelling while his face moves close to her face. She does everything to avoid his flailing arms but he keeps going near her. Get away I want to tell her. Get away. Something bad will happen to you. I can feel it something bad will happen. He grabs her hair. She looks at the mirror and it is me. Me. Me. Younger with innocence and fear in my eyes. My hair is entangled around his arm. Andrés. I forgot all about him. My mama and Andrés’s mom set us up. Two good Catholic children together, except he’s dragging me by my hair. Let go! Let go! He drags me to the ground. His weight is on me. His hands snake under my shirt, my bra, my skirt. Tears spill from my eyes. My fist connects to his face. Blood sprays from his nose onto me staining my white school blouse.‘Hija de la Puta!’ he growls as he stumbles away, clutching his bloody nose. His nostrils flare as he grabs a knife from the knife block. I try to run. A wall. The kitchen counter. He’s moving closer with the knife. I can’t get away. I can’t get away. I just want to get away. Help! Please, someone. Por favor Santa María, ayúdame. No dejes que me mate. No quiero morir. No quiero morir. No quiero morir. He raises his hand with the knife. Slash! I whimper while clutching my arm. Blood stained my hand, my arm, my shirt. He comes closer to me and my eyes close. I hear the clack of the knife. “Puta.” I feel his spit on me, I hear him stomp away. Slam! I tense up. The door swings open and closes. His pickup truck starts up and down the gravel and goes. I feel a hand on my cheek– there is a hand on my cheek. Alec’s hand is on my cheek…my breathing is erratic… tears are streaming down my cheek and he wipes them all away. I wrap my arms around my midriff. His friends told me that if I gave him what he wanted then he would have never slashed my arm. I forgot all about this. All about the reaction when I came back to school after the hospital. My friends told me that I was selfish for putting their lives in jeopardy for refusing him and having him arrested. He can’t hurt me. He can’t hurt me. Chills run up and down my body. His hand is on my body. My body tenses up.

“I’m sorry,” Alec’s arms are around me. Was it Andrés or was it Alec? I gently push him away and reach up to protect my former injured arm. 

“What had happened here,” Cata says in broken English. 

“I didn’t mean to,” Alec pleads with his hand raised in front. He is looking at me with concern. The only time I did that was when we first got together. He got frustrated with me because I refused to tell him what happened, but I told him that I didn’t know why I tensed up like that. Now, I remembered. Andrés. And all the other guys.

“Vero, are you okay?” 

Cata is in front of me. She tilts her head to look at me. I didn't realize how there were golden flakes around her brown iris. I know that Cata will never say anything to me in English, so she’s not the one who asks if I am okay. There is only one other girl in this room and I don’t want to worry Lana. She’s only fifteen, although fifteen doesn’t really protect that much. I should know.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” Alec’s eyebrow quirks up, and while maintaining eye contact, “Really.”

“No, you are not. Come on, mi tesoro, what’s wrong?” Alec says while creeping closer with caution. The nickname gets to me since Alec does not really call me that in front of others. He got that nickname from a Spanish book I was reading. He had asked me to read to him aloud because he wanted to share something with me, is just he doesn’t know how to read in Spanish.  

“It’s nothing.”

“Why do you say that?” Alec says as he approaches me, “We have to be better because after I pro…” Alec trails off, his face a bit paler than I am used to. He points with his finger in a different direction and he starts walking away from me. 

I place my hand on his shoulder and say “¿Qué hibas a decir?” 

“Will it kill you to speak American?” Chase mutters behind me. 

“What is wrong with you?” He yells while pressing his finger on the side of his face.

“Don’t sneak up on me like that, you stupid dork.”

“Stupid dork, is that the best you can come up with?” Chase says while narrowing his eyes.

“Chase,” Alec’s voice is stern while holding Chase back from me. 

“Okay, but what about Paisley?” Lana is looking at Paisley with a pout which just makes the poor German Shepard puppy whine and try to climb her.

“What about Paisley?” 

“She has no food for tonight. So, Lana asked me if I could go to the store and buy Paisley’s food, but I’m…” Alec scratches his hair.

“Drunk.” I finish his sentence and he has the nerve to be bashful of the circumstance. 

“I’ll go to the store and get Paisley her food.” It is a nice excuse to get away for a while and think about everything that I remember. I am not really sure what to do with my new knowledge of the incident with my ex, but at least I have a thirty-minute car ride to think it through.

“No. There is no way I am letting you go alone after what happened.”

“Alec…”

“Cool. I’ll go too, that way we can get better drinks. No offense dude, but your dad needs better taste in alcohol. Oh and snacks! Ahoy! Cookies! Yum.”

“Wait, but it is my puppy, so I’m going to.”

“Puedo venir también,” Cata interrupts while clutching her Bugs Bunny shirt.

“Sí, vamos todos.” 

"Alec, where's your keys?" 

"Babe, not all of us are going to fit on my bike," he reminds me that we had ridden on his motorcycle to his parent's house because we were originally going to Joe's Tavern, but his parent’s call changed our plans. 

"Can we take your mom's car?" I hear footsteps walking away from me and I have no idea who it is.

"Alec!" I call out in a weird screech. His head pops into the room with an innocent face. His eyes were blown, and his lips were almost frowning, "What? What did I do?"

"Nothing. I just ask if we can borrow your mom's car."

He sucks in a breath through his teeth, "You're not in my parent's insurance, but you're one hell of a driver. So, yeah sure. As long as nothing happens to my mom's car. She will die if anything happens to her Lincoln Navigator."

"That's because she can't afford the damn car," Chase retorts almost instantly. Alec's mother had the worst spending habit. Alec's dad had to give her an allowance to spend a month and even then she still somehow manages to go over the allowance which forces her husband to pay out her debt. 

I suppose Alec's selective hearing didn't hear Chase because all he did was toss me the key to his mom's white Lincoln Navigator. Even though it was my suggestion, I had never driven a Lincoln before. A Lincoln cannot be that different from my Nissan Sentra, even if one is an SUV and the other is a sedan. Her Lincoln is new, and my Nissan is at least six years old. Okay, there are a lot of differences, but I can do this. I drove Alec’s father’s Ram 2500 when Alec and I were fooling around right before our second semester of college started. 

By the time I got to the two-car garage, everyone was there. I unlock the door and slip into the driver. There are so many buttons and fancy features. Who needs all these things? I have never seen anything this fancy in a car. My little Nissan Sentra, which I call Margarita, was my oldest sister’s first car. There are no such things as new things when you were the third oldest of eleven children- my three sisters and seven cousins. So, seeing all of these buttons in a car was surprising to me, but then again Alec buying me the sunflower embroidered Converse I am wearing surprised me when he gave them to me. 

“Are you okay?” Alec furrows his brows in my direction. I still do not understand how to handle his concern, in my household, there was no concern about you unless you were the youngest. 

“Are you?” I ask. Instead of answering me, he takes my hand in his and squeezes it lightly. The small bit of action makes all the jitters cease. He lets go for a bit and reaches for the button to open the garage. 

“Babe, I can’t drive with you holding my hand.”

“I do it just fine.”

“You do. I don’t.

“So, what happened back there? Huh?”

“I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay. Fine. But who’s Andrés?”

“¿Andrés?” I can hear Cata perking up at the name. I am glad I cannot see her from where I am because I know the look she is giving me.

“¿Tú conoces a Andrés?” Alec tilts his head probably to look at Cata. 

“So, what are we going to do after we get back from the store?” I say changing the conversation. I know that I am changing the conversation, but it is for the best. Alec doesn’t need to know about Andrés. I don’t need to remember Andrés, so if we can drop the conversation, I can forget faster. 

“Drink alcohol while shoving Doritos in my mouth. Just gonna live the life,” Chase says with this weird enthusiastic tone. 

“Dude!”

“What? Don’t hate the player just hate the game.”

“You’re not a player,” I point out, “you dated the same girl for seven years.”

“And we are on break, so, I may look around. But until then I will just write my best man speech.”

“Best man speech? Someone is getting married. Who?” 

I feel Alec intensely staring at Chase and Chase stumbling for words. Alec stops staring at Chase and goes back to his phone. I hear a ding behind me from where Chase is sitting. Chase laughs nervously and furiously types something. Another ding but this time it is right next to me. What a weird coincidence that both of…these idiots are texting each other when they are in the same car. Seriously, you can just talk.

“Hey, Chase, you didn’t tell me who is getting married.”

“Oh…My c-c-cousin Paul, he’s uh you know uh marrying his girl.”

“Paul is getting married! That’s so exciting! Oh my gosh! Paul and Danielle are soooooooooo cute. You know, me and Danielle have been looking at themes for when we get married. You know dream wedding. Danielle said…”

“You have been looking at wedding themes,” Alec interrupts me.

“Well…duh! All girls start thinking about their dream wedding at a young age.”

“I wouldn’t say all girls, I don’t. Especially with the fact that a boyfriend can kill their girlfriend and that’s before marriage. Can you imagine after marriage?”

A brief silence sits upon us at the thought of Ari. Since no one is on the road, I place my hand on Alec’s thigh. Things have been hard since Ari’s death two months ago. I would not have met Alec or Lana had it not been for their older sister. Eventually, the ground shakes the car a bit. Not enough to cause concern. It is normal here to have shakes. 

 “Hey, we should play drunk twister!”

“That would be fun.”

“That is illegal and mom and dad will kill me if I let you.”

“But they won’t be back until Sunday night and I will recover…”

“Absolutely not,” I interject.

“But.”

“But no!” Alec and I yell in unison. 

Shake. Rumble. More rumble. The car swerves into the next lane. I struggle to get the car into the correct lane. I turn the steering wheel towards the shaking. Parking the car on the cliff to wait it out. 

“Fucking drive, Vero!” There is panic in Alec’s voice.

I press on the gas. The car shakes with the ground. Boulders flying towards us. Another. We scream while the car spins out of control. Another boulder flies.

“I’m too young to die!” Chase screams out. His hand tightly clutching the door’s handle.  The trees dip down the cliff in front of us. Another tree dips. Then another. Seven trees dip. More trees disappear over the cliff. Drive. Get out of there. Drive. I reverse using the backup camera. Small rocks pelt the car, the windows begin to crack. The car isn’t moving. The tire squeals on the road, and smoke rises from behind. More boulders. Pelt. Clack. Clung. Crack. Plup. Plop. I look back to the road to see the land stripping itself in a sluggish movement. Trees, rubbles, a house sliding down. Down. Down. Down. A limp tree strikes the car. Spinning. Spinning. I’m getting sick. Someone is screaming. 

Por favor, Santa María, madre de Jesús, y Dios de arriba, ayúdanos a superar esta dura y difícil situación. No sé qué hacer y te ruego que me guíes. Tengo miedo. Nunca antes había pasado por esto y no sé si esta es una prueba y si lo es algo, por favor díganme qué hicimos mal. Por favor, no quiero morir. No quiero que ninguno de nosotros muera, así que por favor ayúdenos a salir de esto. Envíe una señal que me diga qué hacer. A continuación y cómo hacerlo confío en tu guía mi mamá me dijo que el señor siempre estará ahí cuando lo necesites y yo te necesito ahora mismo, así que te pido que por favor nos des salud y vida, por favor déjanos llegar sanos y salvos al hospital. Por favor, déjame ver a mi familia otra vez y estar con nosotros. En el padre, el hijo y el espíritu santo. Amén.

My body flies forward. The seat belt digs into my shoulder and tightens around my torso. It digs into my breast and there is probably a bruise there. I lift my head, and a guardrail comes into view. The car’s front was smashed where the guardrail collided with. 

“Is everyone okay?” I ask while looking around. Chase is clutching his hand which looks swollen and if I crank my neck, I can see Cata’s head is bleeding. We need the hospital more than anything, but I am not sure how to get out of here. 

Breath. The panic is more intense now than it was over a month ago when I saw that white gold ring with a princess bezel cut diamond with a rose gold rose on either side of the diamond and small diamonds around the band. 

Breath. It’s going to be, I’m fine. Nothing is wrong. I look outside. I focus on Orion’s belt. Alnitak, Alnilam, and Mintaka. Alnitak, Alnilam, and Mintaka. 

I look ahead and a woman is wearing a red and yellow poppy print shirt. Who is she? Why is she out here? Does she need help? She looks familiar. Where have I seen that red hair? I unbuckle my seat belt, and a woozy feeling flows through my body. After opening the door, I lean out with my head down. Stumbling out, my hand connects with the ground; I can feel the rocks digging into my skin. 

I stumble towards the woman and she really does look familiar. She struts towards us or me because I’m the only one out of the car. I look at everyone over my shoulder. My vision is blurry.

“Are you okay?” I hear a distinctive voice as a hand placed on my shoulder. I turn to the voice but my balance is…off…I shift from foot to foot. 

“Little Red,” the melodic voice. There’s only one person who called me ‘Little Red’ and it was Ari. I was here ‘little red’ to her ‘big red’ because we both have red hair. I remember walking into my Introduction to Art and immediately I hear ‘another red hair. I’m not the only one.’ 

I am swaying back and forth. Bile rising. It landed on the corner of my Converse.

A hand soothes my back. Through my bangs, I see dark skinny jeans with daisy embroidery. Ari had jeans like that and it was her favorite jeans. 

“Ari,” my voice barely audible.

“Aw, you recognize me Little Red. Thought you had forgotten about me.”

“I would never.” 

“That's good. I never forgotten you, my sweet little red,” she says all of this while her body is hovering over mine. She kisses my cheeks and the corner of my lips. She has never done that before, so it catches me off guard. So much so that I didn't hear what she said. So, I hum in confusion.

“Why don't you come with me?” Ari continues as she takes my hand in hers.

“Where?”

“Come with me.”

“You never answer my question.”

“Well, it's a surprise. You love surprises.” 

“I do love surprises,” I confirm in such a weird tone kind of way. I turn back to the car, the guardrail is curved into the car where I was. I did not notice that when I looked up or when I got out. Strangely, I can stand right now.

 “Little Red, come.”

I reach out but I think I hear Alec. He's upset about something and I glance at the car again. I can't see him but hear him and he sounds like he is crying.

“Little Red…”

“Your brother is upset.”

“I know.”

“I should…”

“Probably, but what good will that do.”

I open my mouth but the sound of a siren blaring somewhere in the distance distracts me from what I am about to say. I try to see what is going on but Ari places two fingers on my chin and whispers “Come with me.”

I am not sure what is the rush for me to come with her. She is not used to being like this, so demanding and rushing. I look back at her, there is something off about her. Her hazel eyes look dead compared to the rest of her. She’s also paler which makes her freckles more vivid than when she was alive and there are these blotches all over her skin. I reach out to her…Honk! Rubber screeches on the pavement. I think Paisley is barking. I hear a door opening and slamming shut. 

*

 I wake up and apparently, I am the first to wake up and I see Cata on the other side of the room asleep. There is so much that has happened, my sister and my brother-in-law are here for both Cata and me while my parents are trying to get on a flight to see me. I don’t remember what had happened, but apparently, I drove us all to the hospital in a busted car and some EMT person saw the state of the car and us and immediately called people and took action. Apparently whatever happened involved a bandage on the right side of my face and a cast in the same arm where my scar is, and then Alec's parents came to tell me that Paisley was fine with a couple of cuts and her leg broken but otherwise fine. Alec and Lana are still on the table and Chase…well, Chase is here with us after I wake up. I miss Alec, I need Alec, maybe he will be here the next time I wake up. I wake up and my head is even more fuzzy, but at least Alec is here next to me in his own bed. Lana is also here next to Cata, I think. I want to go up to Alec and accept the proposal that still did not happen but this might not be a good time. When will it ever be a good time, things keep happening first Ari's death then an earthquake, and now whatever this is. My head is bursting, there is a thump thump thump thump thump in my head. My vision focuses on a blurry blanket. My head. Thump thump thump thump thump. I close my eyes, but I can still feel it in my head.