Irene Villaseñor

My Life Has Not Been Easy

Death Date: July 11, 2020

I may never live up to the standards set by my 

Tiger Mother born in the Year of the Gold Tiger 

Before kindergarten I did not have a job 

setting out the type for grandfather’s press

I did not graduate high school at thirteen 

after taking time off to care for my siblings

I did not have children forced on me by a husband

both my parents came from families of ten after 

Numerous miscarriages I did not get an internship 

at Planned Parenthood but I heard all about it 

Mother knew how far along any teenage girl’s 

pregnancy was like she knew how many ounces 

An envelope weighed in her hand like she knew 

how many letters could be added while maintaining 

A balance of perfect negative space so as to be readable 

The worst thing she and the other nursing students saw 

were doctors reaching inside to pull the babies out of girls

Because their hips were too narrow, they were too weak

to keep pushing on their own, too tired to do more than cry

But that kind of help added more scars on top of trauma 

every time it happened all the interns would scream 

Behind the glass they did not care if they were 

heard but their empathy did not stop the doctors

Another grandmother had bound feet 

and all her sons grew up to become feminists

I did not like it when mother made me spend years

wearing house shoes when everyone wore slippers

I do not have narrow feet as an adult

She should know better she gave birth to a Horse

I wanted the same shoes her mother wore 

platform flip flops made up of stacked rainbows

Before kindergarten I had a different job 

accompanying father confronting neighbors 

Who refused to pay our friends working in their 

homes, backyards, front yards, buildings, restaurants

We never had to flee from these conversations but my

mother liked to remind me you can’t run well in flip flops 

I never ran a safe house for migrant workers

I just lived there and was always dressed formally

Like I was always ready to receive communion 

even though I was not allowed to be Catholic

Unlike one of my friends, I was not the youngest 

person to testify before Congress but if my parents 

Had the right piece of legislation I would be lined up

to go next in the perfect outfit, hairstyle, and accessories  

I was not dressed traditionally in public unless it was 

Halloween a compromise for proud parents in a racist society

Now all the elders get mad if I do not wear our colors 

our textiles when I have a special event

red is life but also the blood of our enemies that we wear

Our people don’t scalp, we take the whole head

The act is sacred, we have our reasons, when it is not 

that is when you start to have serious problems

Unless it is the adult human head-sized coconut passed 

down from your older brother who is now in the military 

But it is still a religious tool lovingly carved, oiled and 

further cared for I still think of its scared expression 

Could not tell how old it was but had to ask for permission

to play with it and get help when putting it away for the night

I do not have a law degree but I have put my mother’s 

second husband in jail and got him on the list of convicted 

Domestic abusers that was the least I could do, at home we

would have had a raiding party with all our family and friends  

Likely I will not know that pleasure so people tell me to consider 

joining a fight club or going to law school or recreational S&M

People think I am a certain way because of how I look 

it does not match their expectations if they know me

Unlike my mother I have not been arrested (yet) 

it happened in her 60s so I still have time left

I do not have a law degree but I negotiated her bail down

without having to go to court to publicly haggle with a judge

Her husband (not my dad) accused her of attacking him I was 

not there I will never know that truth but what I know is he got 

Mostly away with beating her for decades to the point where I 

wanted to have her skull cracked to check the extent of brain injuries

Because I heard that domestic violence survivors experience  

the same levels of brain damage as professional football players do 

I heard children inherit their intelligence from their mothers

and leave behind some of their cells that roam freely until 

There is some sort of emergency like a hurt heart or brain then

a child’s cells will adapt to settle in and fix whatever is wrong

I have been called a devil more than once for what I do not do

Sometimes I knew when he was on our land and I would call

family at home and tell them to get rid of him do not let him put 

Another foot on the ground or I will leave my office right now 

Look at the rocks laying still on the ground resting

Look at the birds who landed on branches close to the house waiting

Look at the plants waving gently in the air checking for changes in the atmosphere

Look at the rest of my family anxiously waiting for my arrival

Look at the path being cleared for me to get home as quickly as possible.